The business I am creating is slowly coming together all the hard work of studying while working and being a mother, partner etc seems to be coming together. All the stress and sleepless periods are starting to bare fruit!
The fear that I was able to quieten seems to be getting louder and louder you know what i mean that voice within that tells you that you can't do this because you are too tired, too new to the game, too immature, too poor, too black too everything and anything. I'm usually quite good at pushing through this but I can definitely see how change towards the things you really want brings about a stonewall that needs chipping away at or climbing to get to that life you really want.
I had a moment the other day where this feeling completely engulfed me and I really started to panic I tried to think my way out of it by looking at ways that I can get out there and connect with women but the more I tried to think of solutions the more intense this feeling got so I just let it completely take over. Let my mind think of all the negative things that could happen then after a little bit my mind stopped and I felt as though I needed to let that happen to move on. The next day I had a very productive day of contacting local papers, finding local venues to check out, thinking of themes for future events and thinking of topics for videos I want to shoot for Instagram and YouTube.
I never use to compare myself that much to others but since venturing into something new and building a business I have been doing it more and more. It is a good thing to follow those who are steps ahead of you so you can see what is possible but at the same time it can be damaging because you may compare yourself to them but you are at different stages in your business and have different resources. At the moment I am seeing people execute things that I have written in my House of Cleo dream and plan book at a really high level and it makes me feel as though I am a hatchling amongst soaring Eagles.
I know with time and practice my confidence will grow and grow but this stage is a bitch and I refuse to let it get the better of me! What I am doing now really truly feels like what I am meant to be doing and my style and finesse will come and evolve I just have to keep going!
Last week I handed my notice in at work because the night shift is killing me! my health has dramatically declined and the lack of sleep is making me forgetful, irritable, zombie like. I look at myself in the mirror and I seriously do not recognise myself I look like a zombie panda sand I definitely don't look or feel happy. My lips are always chapped because I work in the chiller section, my hands are constantly dry and cut up from all the packages I open and the stuff I carry. My face breaks out in spots regularly when it only use to be when hormonal.
The job itself isn't difficult but the environment is so negative it is starting to creep in even though I have my earphones in listening to an audiobook every shift or sometimes a bit of Missy Elliott to bump my way through a shift. Little things become all consuming like others not doing their job, it is something I have observed where there is a mindset that if I'm not getting paid a certain amount I will do the bare minimum or even less than that while at work. This has a knock on affect as those who were doing a good job don't get acknowledge just moaned at so they stop doing a good job because they see those who don't do their job laughing about with management not getting a dressing down for their lack of productivity and so the negative mindset infects the whole workforce with day staff blaming night staff and vice versa mangers blaming the workforce and vice versa and nobody stopping to address the situation just moan, complain and blame!
I felt really good about handing in my notice it felt like the right thing to do even though I have no savings anymore and no other income just yet and my partner will be unable to help me as we have finally agreed that the Bubba needs to go to nursery so we can both get our work and study done and the Bubba can mixed with other children and get a different kind of stimuli.
The fear is back and the closer I get to the end of the month the more scared I get that I have nothing in place and bills to pay. Work sent me a letter asking me not to leave and to work something out with them my partner said hear them out maybe I could do 1 day a week so I can keep the discount card haha so I spoke to them and they said I can go down to two days. This could work with the mix of nursery giving me free time during the day to actually concentrate on building the business rather than stealing 5 minutes here and 15 minutes there. My bills would still get paid and I can start taking paid clients.
I think this is the option I am going to take because I really don't want to get myself in trouble and miss payments on my bills because then that causes a whole new problem that has serious repercussions.
I have launched my coaching services now and am embracing it whole heartedly. I have a handful of free clients I am coaching in exchange for feedback so that I can continue to grow and hone in my skills I really want to give value and be the best Life coach I can be and in time study more and add more strings to my bow so I can coach on a wider range of specialities.
I had a great chat with a couple of amazing women in business who let me know that they go through the same thing even now being successful and established. They had some great words of encourage and this was truly priceless! I am so ever grateful for the connections I have made on this business adventure.